exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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