How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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