Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
