Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
