you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize