whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
FUCK WHALES
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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