Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
