All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
