Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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