hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
