Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
