I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
