He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
