Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
