either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
