he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
