My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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