some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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