she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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