I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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