i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
