your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
