We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
