Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
