this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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