if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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