can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dick very happy bro
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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