Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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