I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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