it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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