she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
