Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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