I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
