not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm passing your future prison.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
