How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
