I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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