I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
