I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
