every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
