why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
