then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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