I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
...so i touched it.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
