my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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