They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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