im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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