I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is Oprah even human
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
