You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
