I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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