A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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