Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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