Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
