oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
