It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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