and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
