I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
