I smell stomach acid.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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