Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
