my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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