4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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